5 ways to meet your Maker in Kenya faster than you can wink

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If you were told death was a few days away and you had a chance to run away before it caught up with you, Rudisha would have nothing on you. Its unfortunate we will die anyway; its inevitable. I just wish we had a way of predicting it and maybe keep our houses in order. The now (in) famous green-jerseyed guy is one person who knows death is just a second away; he stared at it right in the eye. It’s by sheer-luck that he’s still breathing; let’s just say he has 9 lives like the proverbial cat, and he has remained with 8. I just hope he doesn’t waste ‘em lives on useless stuff like going for another demonstration. On this side of Sahara, let’s see how to meet your Maker.

  • Be caught up in a demonstration

If you want to meet your Maker faster than you can wink, be caught up in a demonstration whether you are one of demonstrators or not. Let you be on the direction where the tear gas canister will fall and let it explode on your face. That smell is enough to choke you and the pain that comes with is just enough to drop you right at the pearly gates if your name was in the Book of Life. If you are unfortunate enough and your name is not in that book, Hell will be ready to receive you so that you can continue inhaling smoke from the Devil’s kitchen as wait for your time.

If the tear gas canister doesn’t find its way to where you are, run blindly to blood thirsty cops who cant wait to vent their lives’ frustrations on you. Make sure one of them makes you trip and his ‘friends in crime’ rain blows, rungus, and kicks on you. If that hasn’t sent you to your Maker already, make sure a bullet finds its way to your vital organs. Ngatia or Manono whatever tickles your fancy was this close to meeting His Maker. If I was him, I would be changing direction anytime I run into a cop; I bet the sight of combat clothing is giving him chills already.  If you miss the bullet, a stone meant for the cops will land on your head and depending on the force/speed; you will hit the ground so bad. If and when you hit the ground, you will be trampled on by fellow demonstrators and eeer, that’s how we’ll lose you. If you are not dead after that ordeal, then you will not be dying soon.

Solution: Stay away from demonstrations whether you are one of them or you are there by chance. If you meet ‘em demonstrators get inside the nearest open shop/restaurant/building until the ‘fire’ has been put out.

  • Live on the condemned side of town/city

If you don’t live on the greener side of this city, too bad for you because we know what awaits you; poorly constructed flats. If a six floor flat wasn’t built in a span of two months, then it was built on a poorly rehabilitated mushy land. If the flat isn’t near a river or is built over a river like Nakumatt Ukay, then the upper flats appear to have been placed on the ground floor like mattresses on an already overloaded Toyota pick-up. You will have seen the cracks, but you will ignore them and argue you don’t have somewhere to go. The landlord will not refund your deposit with such a short notice anyway. Most landlords should burn in hell though; they take you in round and round even when you give the one month notice. Reporting him to the law isn’t an option, he will buy his freedom. So you wait and pray that the house doesn’t go down but one night you wake up and find the house went down as you slept..

Solution: After you see the first crack, you need to alert your neighbors in the spirit of Nyumba Kumi and then start looking for a house as soon as possible.

  • Pull a Wafula

When a politician or a prominent person passes on and there’s a requiem mass, make sure you hitch a hike on the ‘special hearse’ and fly. Make sure your friends are with you as you hang precariously on the helicopter. Even as the helicopter takes off, don’t let go; I mean, you will never get any other chance of riding on a plane. Some chances come once in a lifetime and taking advantage of the situation should be your motto always. So, you fly away, hoping that your arms don’t get cramped and you let go then come tumbling down. On a second thought, you don’t need to pray on this cus your plan is to die anyway. If you don’t let go and fly like the tortoise without wings, the pilot will try to come down so that you can hit the ground softly. Unfortunately you will get scared, jump off and hit the ground like the poor tortoise. Instead of having a cracked back like the poor tortoise, you will die from internal injuries. And that’s how you’ll become famous even in your death.

Solution: Don’t hitch hikes on planes if you cant sit inside the plane 🙂

  • Cross the road on the highway just below the foot bridge

You are in such a hurry to get to the other side of the road and going up the foot bridge will waste your time. So, you decide to cross the road where speed crazed drivers are testing their speeding abilities. You dodge a few vehicles but since you are ready to die and death cant wait to have you as well, a trailer that doesn’t have instant brakes runs you over and you are left looking like a chapatti. If you aint crossing the road just below the foot bridge, you are crossing where there is no zebra crossing. Unfortunately, some drivers don’t see zebra crossings which means they ought to be repainted and bang we lose you. If you aint crossing the road all absent minded, you are on the phone talking or texting and a driver on the phone texting  their Mpango Wa Kando  will run you over.

Solution:   Cross the road at the designated places, don’t touch your phone until you are at a safe place where you can text and call you can. Besides, the phone getting snatched on the street is also a possibility. Don’t text while on the steering wheel too, that text can wait.

  • Get married to a crazy (jealous, temperament, blood thirsty) partner

You are already in love and you cant wait to get down to playing wife and husband. By bad luck, at some point you cant stand each other and you want to move out. Your partner cant imagine another person being at your side and what option do they have other than to send you to your Maker? They will not just wake up and decide this person needs to be shipped to the next world, you will have seen the red flags but you will stay on. If you don’t die from emotional abuse, you will die from a physical one and the same kids you were staying for will be left without one of the parents. Its hard to be charged with emotional abuse but if your partner sends you to the next world by poisoning you or beating you black and blue, your kids might as well be declared orphans.

Solution: Don’t wait for the next slap/threat, it aint about to stop; it will just get worse. We still need you..

Happy lives humans; don’t die if you can avoid it. I know we can only be too careful but avoid some of these things cus I know you can

Forgive before they apologize

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