Category Archives: Kids

Being a parent (mother) in a blended family needs wisdom

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Us wannabe writers aka bloggers ‘collect’ stuff to write about on the streets of Mark Zuckerberg, hahaha! Do I even qualify to be a blogger? I don’t even know.. Anyway, yesterday I happened to see something that almost gave me a sleepless night and it’s giving me a mini migraine even as we talk. Hypothetically (although in this case it is a real situation), you get married to a white man, you are blessed with a baby girl unfortunately the relationship doesn’t work and each of you goes their separate ways. Baby daddy gets married and proceeds to get a family while the lady gets into another relationship, ‘situationship ‘ if you like and another baby is brought forth but this time with an African(black). You’ll forgive me for using black and white; that is if it irks you.

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Fortunately or unfortunately the baby daddy 1 is responsible and takes care of his daughter, the same cant be said of baby daddy number two. In fact baby daddy two almost denied the baby but who is Mother Nature, baby came out looking like his twin, like a second pea in the pond. Now, this is where the problem comes in; first, there’s a complexion difference, I can’t believe someone called the biracial kid a ‘chotara’ whatever that means. Secondly, when the first born is picked by her dad, second born (a boy) is left with the mum and to say he’s distraught every time the sister goes away would be an understatement. Good thing is, the kids go to the same school courtesy of baby daddy 1; the only problem is the picking of the first born and the second born being left because when she comes back, she narrates about all her weekend escapades and the boy feels left out. Now, this mum is at pains explaining to the boy why he can’t tag along when his sister goes away. Of course this disparity in treatment is affecting the boy and their mother has no idea how to handle the situation. In fact the boy thinks he can’t tag along because of his complexion; poor thingL. Eeh, sounds like a Naija movie!

This is a very tricky situation for all parties because, one, you can’t force the responsible guy to hang out with the kid who is not his. Secondly, you can’t deny this father access to his daughter because you are trying to protect the boy child. Thirdly, you can’t force the irresponsible guy to take up his responsibility. Decisions, decisions, eeeh, being caught between a rock and a hard place; this is where being an adult becomes haaaaaaaaaaard! It is even harder being a parent to kids with different baby daddies and worse when there’s racial difference.

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Anyway, if you ask me, sleepovers should cease and baby daddy 1 to be visiting his daughter in her mother’s house. All presents bought should be shared between the two kids. If there are any toys, clothes or shoes, baby daddy one to leave the cash with the mother so that she knows what to buy for each of the kids.

Second solution; agree with this guy and his wife such that when the girl is picked, the boy tags along. Just once a month kinda thing won’t hurt their pockets. The mother can also chip in with the outing’s cost. But this might be tricky because this boy might still be treated differently

Third solution; the mother to get an uncle, a cousin or a male friend to be picking the boy (though this is to be taken with a pinch of salt cus the person might abuse the boy). In such a case, the mother to tag along every time and yes, she foots the bill too. But still this boy will might have separation anxiety issues when the ‘mentor’ decides to walk away; poor thing L

Fourth solution: Seek counseling from a professional, prayers and fasting because this requires wisdom from heaven above. I won’t wish even my worst enemy to be in such a situation because it ceased being tricky a long time ago, it’s complicated, its messed up, it’s just tangled, all rolled up into one.

Fifth solution: make this weekend thing a one day’s affair and everyone including the guy’s wife to go on this date. This should go on until both kids are able to understand the situation and from there on each to choose what they want to do with their weekends aka free time.

Now, I think I am arguing a ‘cushioned point of view’ you know, it’s them and not me and chances are it might never happen to me. But if this was my case, I’d never let my kids feel the difference whether black or mixed. Make them understand they are sisters and brothers and that’s all that matters.

Moral of the story, when you decide to have different fathers for your kids although at times sh*t happens; let them be from the same race and the same financial capability (sounds like a gold digger’s line of thought but heck! Anything for my kids). Its easier to deal with other issues but not race issues; also equal treatment for both kids when one baby daddy decides to fold his legs and hands. Don’t let one kid enjoy all the niceties when the other is left feeling like they are a mistake on the face of the earth. By letting one to be picked and later dropped with bags and bags of shopping is just breeding hatred between the kids. This is how sibling rivalry is born and getting them to love another later in life will be an uphill task, the hatred will trickle down to their families; so tread carefully.

Bottom line, put yourself in her situation, how would you handle the situation different? Let me hear/see what you think.

 

 

‘HIDDEN/SECRET CHILDREN’

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Janet Jackson DeBarge

Alleged Janet Jackson’s ‘secret daughter’

We are all congratulating Janet Jackson for getting pregnant at around 50. We all know at 50 most women are dealing with heat flushes, bad moods, hair loss et.al courtesy of menopause. But here is  J.J with the good news that she’s gonna be a mum for the second time according to her ex-husband and for the first time to the rest of the world…..

Shock shock shock, turns out Janet had a baby with her first hubby but she left before her baby bump started to show. A woman has shown up claiming she’s J.J’s daughter and that she was put up for adoption. Her adoptive mother let the cat out of the bag just before she passed on. Now, the lady(child in question) contacted ‘her father’-who is J.J’s first husband telling him she is his daughter. To some extent she resembles Janet Jackson

Would you forgive your parents if you found out they put you up for adoption and they were able to bring you up? Do you think De barge-Janet’s husband should have come out with this information a time when Janet is having all the attention?