Category Archives: Relationships

LOVING YOURSELF IS A FULL TIME JOB; YOU CANT QUIT

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The other day one of my colleagues was to take us on a road trip, Shi and I, well, he was also part of the road trip. He however decided to bring along his crush which was ok with me until Shi pointed out how awkward that would be. I thought to myself, mmhhh, come to think of it, it’ll be awkward. Any who, it was already late and I couldn’t backtrack on my decision since he had asked if I was ok with it and I had said yes.. The D-day is here, we meet, we get to the car, awkwardness is already setting in and we are wondering how much we would ENDURE before we get to our destination. I guess the universe heard/saw our dissatisfaction because the car developed problems even before we left Nairobi County. And we happily exited from the car; eeeh, how sadistic can we get?

Same weekend on Sunday I pop into this salon after church cus my hair needed some TLC. Salons in my hood don’t need you to make an appointment, so you just pop in and have your hair done. This particular day though, everyone was busy and she decided to get me someone else to do my hair. I had to go to her salon to have my hair done. My hair is washed and blow dried and as we all know, once someone else comes in, your plaiting has to wait as she gets this easy money. Any-who, I don’t have an issue so long as it is one client; not 20 clients and yours truly has to wait. Anyway, as I wait for this client to be served, this salonist’s 4 year old daughter is being groomed to be a salonist and she decides yours truly will be her human mannequin. I sit there silently even as my head is being turned right, left and center and since I am a nice person, I let this baby practice. Any-who, she’s threatening to leave me with a broken neck and I nicely tell her to stop.. She throws a tantrum, I kid you not! Anyway, I stand my ground and she ends up sleeping out of anger.

People pleasers or is it people pleasing is a bad disease you know. We never realize we are pleasing people until we have already done it too many times, or until someone points it out. You realize I didn’t say no to my colleague bringing his crush along as much as it was supposed to be the three of us. Do you know why I might have said yes, because I didn’t want him to think I am a meanie, I didn’t want him to feel like I am selfish and stuff. I didn’t want him to say he’s changed his mind if his crush can’t tag along; beggars are not choosers J. Why didn’t I say not to the kid threatening to break my neck? I didn’t want to break her heart.

 

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You see why we say yes to please people; for love, validation, favors (just in case we need something from them at some point). I am naturally a nice person J and I am too soft as well, so sometimes I’ll just agree to do something even though it’ll inconvenience me. Other times I’ll say no but the guilt that will eat me up is just on another level. I can’t decide whether my neediness has a lot to do with it but I am trying to understand myself as time goes by. Someone says I am quite needy, hahaha! I don’t know about that but I am trying to enjoy my own company as days go by, damn! This age thing is coming with a lot of wisdom; the things I’ve learnt since I turned a year older this year are much more than I have ever learnt in my entire life! Story for another day J

 

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Can you say no to people pleasing? Yes, you can. How can you do that?

By knowing that you have a choice; yes, you have a choice, you have a freaking choice! You don’t have to say yes to everything. I know making that choice is the hardest but once you say no, more than once, you’ll get the hang of it. Just say no if you cant help on whatever, kesi baadaye( explanations later)

Think it over: Once someone asks for a favor, don’t blurt out a yes even before a second thought. I have this tendency of saying yes even before I think much about it. Of course once you give a yes, you are done for! There’s no going back. So ask for some time to think about it although once someone tells me they’ll get back to me, it translates into a no in not so many words. Whatever the case, after much thought you’ll know if you are in a position to agree to it or not

Love yourself! I can’t emphasize on this; I am still a long way into loving myself but I am making some good steps. We all know this validation seeking is because we don’t love ourselves enough and we think some external love will do us a lot of good. Unfortunately this external love does us more harm than good. By the time we realize what is happening, we are more damaged than we were before it came along. Put yourself first, love yourself so much until people start terming it as being selfish or being self centred.

Don’t give explanations as to why you cant: Once you start explaining yourself on why you cant, believe you me you’ll find yourself deep in. Some people just have a way of arm twisting you and being the nice you, you cant uncoil yourself from their pinky finger. You end up pleasing them at the expense of your happiness/sanity. Say no until you say what you are getting yourself into. As I said, it is OK to say no

Even the Bible says love your neighbor as you love yourself; yaani, love yourself first so that you can love your neighbor. By doing so, you don’t have to put up with people’s shenanigans so that they can give love in return..

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LOVE YOURSELF, LOVE YOURSELF! I MEAN LOVE YOURSELF

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

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Being a parent (mother) in a blended family needs wisdom

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Us wannabe writers aka bloggers ‘collect’ stuff to write about on the streets of Mark Zuckerberg, hahaha! Do I even qualify to be a blogger? I don’t even know.. Anyway, yesterday I happened to see something that almost gave me a sleepless night and it’s giving me a mini migraine even as we talk. Hypothetically (although in this case it is a real situation), you get married to a white man, you are blessed with a baby girl unfortunately the relationship doesn’t work and each of you goes their separate ways. Baby daddy gets married and proceeds to get a family while the lady gets into another relationship, ‘situationship ‘ if you like and another baby is brought forth but this time with an African(black). You’ll forgive me for using black and white; that is if it irks you.

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Fortunately or unfortunately the baby daddy 1 is responsible and takes care of his daughter, the same cant be said of baby daddy number two. In fact baby daddy two almost denied the baby but who is Mother Nature, baby came out looking like his twin, like a second pea in the pond. Now, this is where the problem comes in; first, there’s a complexion difference, I can’t believe someone called the biracial kid a ‘chotara’ whatever that means. Secondly, when the first born is picked by her dad, second born (a boy) is left with the mum and to say he’s distraught every time the sister goes away would be an understatement. Good thing is, the kids go to the same school courtesy of baby daddy 1; the only problem is the picking of the first born and the second born being left because when she comes back, she narrates about all her weekend escapades and the boy feels left out. Now, this mum is at pains explaining to the boy why he can’t tag along when his sister goes away. Of course this disparity in treatment is affecting the boy and their mother has no idea how to handle the situation. In fact the boy thinks he can’t tag along because of his complexion; poor thingL. Eeh, sounds like a Naija movie!

This is a very tricky situation for all parties because, one, you can’t force the responsible guy to hang out with the kid who is not his. Secondly, you can’t deny this father access to his daughter because you are trying to protect the boy child. Thirdly, you can’t force the irresponsible guy to take up his responsibility. Decisions, decisions, eeeh, being caught between a rock and a hard place; this is where being an adult becomes haaaaaaaaaaard! It is even harder being a parent to kids with different baby daddies and worse when there’s racial difference.

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Anyway, if you ask me, sleepovers should cease and baby daddy 1 to be visiting his daughter in her mother’s house. All presents bought should be shared between the two kids. If there are any toys, clothes or shoes, baby daddy one to leave the cash with the mother so that she knows what to buy for each of the kids.

Second solution; agree with this guy and his wife such that when the girl is picked, the boy tags along. Just once a month kinda thing won’t hurt their pockets. The mother can also chip in with the outing’s cost. But this might be tricky because this boy might still be treated differently

Third solution; the mother to get an uncle, a cousin or a male friend to be picking the boy (though this is to be taken with a pinch of salt cus the person might abuse the boy). In such a case, the mother to tag along every time and yes, she foots the bill too. But still this boy will might have separation anxiety issues when the ‘mentor’ decides to walk away; poor thing L

Fourth solution: Seek counseling from a professional, prayers and fasting because this requires wisdom from heaven above. I won’t wish even my worst enemy to be in such a situation because it ceased being tricky a long time ago, it’s complicated, its messed up, it’s just tangled, all rolled up into one.

Fifth solution: make this weekend thing a one day’s affair and everyone including the guy’s wife to go on this date. This should go on until both kids are able to understand the situation and from there on each to choose what they want to do with their weekends aka free time.

Now, I think I am arguing a ‘cushioned point of view’ you know, it’s them and not me and chances are it might never happen to me. But if this was my case, I’d never let my kids feel the difference whether black or mixed. Make them understand they are sisters and brothers and that’s all that matters.

Moral of the story, when you decide to have different fathers for your kids although at times sh*t happens; let them be from the same race and the same financial capability (sounds like a gold digger’s line of thought but heck! Anything for my kids). Its easier to deal with other issues but not race issues; also equal treatment for both kids when one baby daddy decides to fold his legs and hands. Don’t let one kid enjoy all the niceties when the other is left feeling like they are a mistake on the face of the earth. By letting one to be picked and later dropped with bags and bags of shopping is just breeding hatred between the kids. This is how sibling rivalry is born and getting them to love another later in life will be an uphill task, the hatred will trickle down to their families; so tread carefully.

Bottom line, put yourself in her situation, how would you handle the situation different? Let me hear/see what you think.

 

 

Forgive even before they apologize

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They say the only two honest people on this earth are a drunkard and a child below 8 years; when they get to nine, they are already mini-adults. Well, ‘honesty’ for a drunken person is just an act of cowardice because they are not bold enough to say it as it is. Ask a child about what they feel about an outfit and they will tell you if it is smart or bland. They might not give the exact details but if they said it is not good, trust me it is not. The beauty about kids is that they’ll always say it as it is; they are better than your friends who will never tell you a certain dress doesn’t look on you. So, if you have a child that tells you someone has not been nice to them, trust them, they can’t make that up.

This is not so much about honesty but about forgiveness; I know that escalated fast. Anyway, we all get into nasty word fights with our friends, partners and well, pretty much anyone we have a relationship with at work or anywhere else. During that heated moment, we are bound to exchange nasty words that leave us so hurt and it only takes the grace of heaven to forget about it. When you get into such an exchange and if you have a chance to walk away, please do, otherwise no amount of apologizing will ever erase the nasty stuff you said.

Saying nasty things to your loved one is not something that comes to you when you start that fight. It is something you’ve entertained in your mind for far too long but you never got a chance of saying it. I read a post on Facebook sometimes back of sisters who got drunk and then started spewing all manner of horrible words to each other. They are uterine sisters (your homework for this week). In that moment of insults and stuff, one of the sisters let’s call her Delilah said the other sister, let’s call her Sarah is ‘dirty blood’ and some other evil stuff. So, Delilah was asking if she should apologize to Sarah since everyone in their family is up in arms that she should apologize.  My issue was not even apologizing but the fact that she had thought about dirty blood in her sister all long even before the alcohol came into the picture. She might apologize and even do a sacrifice to signify how sorry she is but the fact that she said it when drunk means that’s what she’s thought about her all along

Therefore, next time someone says you are ugly or you are fat or you are A, B, C, and D when they are tipsy and then cry foul the next morning, they meant every word they said. That to me is cowardice and it should never be taken lightly. Also, when they say something nasty when you get into a fight and a few weeks/months down the line they decide to apologize and include that line of ‘I didn’t mean to’, they meant exactly what they said.  I’m a firm believer of forgiving even before the wronging party apologizes because it just lessens your burden.

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Accept the apology when they finally decide to apologize and swiftly move on. I’ve been wronged one too many times but the best thing about this soul is that she forgets quickly. However, that does not mean I’ve given you a leeway to step on my toes every damn time. I just don’t have enough space for carrying grudges; they are too heavy.

Peace *insert peace emoji

 

‘HIDDEN/SECRET CHILDREN’

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Janet Jackson DeBarge

Alleged Janet Jackson’s ‘secret daughter’

We are all congratulating Janet Jackson for getting pregnant at around 50. We all know at 50 most women are dealing with heat flushes, bad moods, hair loss et.al courtesy of menopause. But here is  J.J with the good news that she’s gonna be a mum for the second time according to her ex-husband and for the first time to the rest of the world…..

Shock shock shock, turns out Janet had a baby with her first hubby but she left before her baby bump started to show. A woman has shown up claiming she’s J.J’s daughter and that she was put up for adoption. Her adoptive mother let the cat out of the bag just before she passed on. Now, the lady(child in question) contacted ‘her father’-who is J.J’s first husband telling him she is his daughter. To some extent she resembles Janet Jackson

Would you forgive your parents if you found out they put you up for adoption and they were able to bring you up? Do you think De barge-Janet’s husband should have come out with this information a time when Janet is having all the attention?

‘Friends with benefits’ is not for the Faint heart

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We all like good looking men, men and women. Yes, men too like other good looking men, forget the not so straight men, the straight ones are what I am talking about. Did you know an interviewer will hire an attractive man as an employee to work as a team player only? However, if this new employee is being hired as a competitor, he will be discriminated. Yes, men also feel threatened by other good looking men. What I have never understood though is how a man will never say a fellow man is handsome or good looking. My friend and my cousin think men who complement others on how they look (I don’t mean dressing) sound so gayish..

Moving on swiftly, the other day, this fine creation of God approached me and I was so happy that the good Lord has finally found it fit to get me a companion. We chat and chat and chat some more and to my utter shock, he’s looking for a friends with benefit. In fact he told me he aint looking for a wife, he’s just looking for a good time before he can settle down. I thought to my self, fair enough, atleast he didn’t string me along making me believe he wants to make me a Mrs. I am a sucker for men who state what the want from the word go; I give it up for married men who approach you and tell you they are married take it or leave it. These are straight forward men who don’t want to string the poor souls along only to heartbreak them when they are all done with whatever. There is a special place in hell for people who string others along to use them for whatever; it is so wrong on so many levels. On the judgment day, the devil will have this evil grin when turning them upside down on the hell’s frying pan; and I will be having this evil laughter as a I watch them languish in pain.

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Anywho, matters friends with benefits; this is a convenient way of laying each other without any commitments. Unfortunately one of the parties will always develop feelings towards the other and sooner or later, hearts will be broken so bad, they will not know what hit them. Unfortunately poor babies come along and the parties involved trying to be responsible ‘settle’ for each other and that’s how miserable lives for the three or more souls are born. Of course one of the partners and in most cases it will always be a woman will think this is it; this is the perfect guy for me and my babies but deep down the guy feels trapped. For those people that are not too lucky, it is an endless war of child support, children’s courts, bitter life and so much misery. Its like being trapped between a rock and a hard place; you are trying to be responsible but on the other hand you don’t want to feel trapped.

I have heard a few stories; like one in a million cases where friends with benefits end up married and live happily ever after. As for the rest, it is heartbreaks, tears, bitterness and misery for a long time to come. People should know that if a person thinks you are only fit to be a fuckmate or a friends with benefits, chances are, even in a thousand years, their perception about you might never change. Therefore, don’t get into this kinda of an arrangement thinking that Mr. handsome will change and take you as a wife, it aint happening. If this kind of arrangement presents itself and you are thinking you should give it a try, don’t get into it thinking anything good will come out of it. Never develop feelings towards the other party (easier said than done). Don’t cuddle, don’t hold hands, don’t spend the night or whatever time you are hitting the sack, just don’t dilly dally. That’s how feelings are developed. In fact, don’t even cook together, watch movies or go for rides like lovers do. Finish your business, hit the door and close the door behind you. Don’t keep calling to check on each other, just call each other when the need knocks. However, this is a tall order; we are humans and we all need affection at some point.

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What I am trying say is, friends with benefits are a waste of time and a waste of emotions. It is a waste of both especially for the one who falls in love with the other party. You are so blinded that you don’t see other people who would appreciate your love, time and affection. Besides who wants to date someone who’s still sleeping with another one? You sit there hoping that this other party will finally say they want a better relationship with you. It is worse when you haven’t been in a relationship for a long time and this fine creation of God comes calling and you get into it body, mind and soul.  You might get into this arrangement thinking when time comes you will get out of it like nothing happened. However, when you need affection and someone shows it, getting out becomes a problem. Therefore, if you are the needy type, keep away from such arrangements; you will save yourself from so much drama and heartaches. Even when you are not needy, attachment takes a very short time but detaching can take eons.

As a parting shot, state what you want when you meet someone you would like to be with. Put yourself in their shoes just incase you are thinking of stringing them along. And finally, pray for wisdom and discernment (now I am sounding like my pastor) to know ‘em that are out there to string you along….

Happy relationships J

Its just Frustration Attraction, You will be Just Alright

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Falling and being in love is a beautiful thing…Its one of those things that everyone of us has experienced but sometimes it doesnt always go as planned. The ones we have a serious crush on(those we are in love or lust with) dont return the favor(feelings)and it can be quite painful…Anyway, moving on swiftly, we always end up frustrated and the more they pull away the more you are attracted to them…Sometime you just want to call them and ask them, “why, am i not attractive enough or am I not good enough?” You know, you start feeling less attractive,less educated, the whole works and your self esteem issues start coming with full force….

It is quite normal to feel that way….It is more of a temporary condition and thanks Pinocchio it goes away with time. However, sometimes it takes forever to go away. The ‘condition’ we are talking about here is known as  FRUSTRATION ATTRACTION. Dont beat yourself so hard, I am so sure everyone of us has had that guy or that lady who didnt return the feelings and the more they pushed you  away the more you wanted them.

Humans have been wired in such a way that they hurt terribly when they are rejected by someone they like. There is increased brain activity when one is in love and this activity occurs in two different regions. These regions are the right ventral tegmental area (VTA) which is in the mid brain and the caudate nucleus which is a large c shaped region near the center. VTA is rich in cells that produce and distribute dopamine which is a powerful stimulant to the various parts of the brain; this includes the caudate nucleus. This is a part of he brain’s network that has control over the arousal (general arousal), focused attention as well as the motivation to get rewards. The parts or regions of caudate nucleus that become active when one is in love or lust if you like J are rich in dopamine receptors and they are associated with attention as well as the motivation to acquire rewards. When looked from such an angle, intense romantic love when in the early stages is associated with dopamanine rich areas.However, romantic love is not an emotion but rather a motivational state that’s designed to make us go after our object of interest. Just so you  know, romantic love is a drive as powerful as hunger. Ever heard of people living and dying for love? Yeup! It does happen.

There is a possibility that even when one has been rejected there is still continued activity in the VTA and the other areas that have been associated with caudate nucleus. This is all because in matters of love,there are many other regions of the brain that are involved. Romantic rejection can be divided into two parts,these are; protest and despair or resignation. In the protest phase, the deserted lover tries all they can get their object of interest back or if it was a crush they try all they can to win their interest. They visit the places their crush visits and they make it look like a coincidence, they stalk them with emails, letters in the case of poets, phone calls whatsapp messages and anything else possible. As the rejection intensifies, so does the romantic passion.

Protest is a mammalian response associated with the rupturing of social ties. It is associated with dopamine as well as a neutronsmitter called neuropinephrine. When the levels of these two are elevated, there is heightened alertness and this this stimulates the abandoned animal to call for help and search foor  the one that abandoned it;in this case the mother. When prospective ‘bae’ is rejected, there is increased levels of dopamine which in turn makes the person feel even greater passion. During this frustration period, the stress system is triggered. In the short term, the production of dopamine and neurotransmitters is triggered by stress. The protest phase of rejection might also trigger panic in the panic system of the brain which generates separation anxiety response making the animals call for their mother. At the same time, there is another brain system that becomes active and this is anger.i doesn’t matter of the breakup was amicable. Many jilted lovers move from a heartbreak to fury; this is known as abandonment rage. Unfortunately abandonment rage does not extinguish love. Infact,rage and romantic love can operate simultaneously because they are independent. That’s how you can be terribly angry at your ex or your object of interest for abandoning you and still be in love with them…weird huh?

Eventually,the jilted lover will give up which results into him or her dealing with new forms of torture; despair and resignation. These people are drugged by their sorrow and that’s why you will find them crying all the time, lying in bed staring at the ceiling or just staring into the space. They watch too much TV, they don’t want to be with people, they prefer being alone and once or more feelings of anger,protest and the need to reconcile in case of a breakup will resurface. When this happens the reward system of the brain realizes the reward will never come thus reducing the dopamine production. This will in turn result into despondency,lethargy and lastly depression. Depression, however, is a good thing in this case because it is a persons’s call for help. Sometimes depression can make a person face unpalatable truths and make tough decisions while at it.

Therefore, when you are feeling overly attracted to a person who rejected you, you aint stupid or something close to that. It is just a phase when one is in love or smitten with a cactus and it wears off with time. However, the rate at which it wears off is as different as people. Some take months while with some others, it can take even years.

I guess it’s true what they say, you never stop to love someone, you just learn to live without them. Love the loveable and leave the cactus alone J